Thoughts I had while watching... The Boneyard

Sometimes, there’s nothing better on a lazy Sunday morning than to brew a pot of French Press coffee, sit back in your comfy loveseat and watch a stunning and high quality horror movie. Horror gets a bad rap as being silly or pedestrian. It gets labeled as feeding to the lowest common denominator. But I think we can see with the recent releases such as Hereditary, The Witch and The Endless that they can be classy, well-produced and well-received. Horror movies can help us examine the worst in us and society. They can win Oscars.

So grab a cup (or two) of coffee, sit back and enjoy. From 1991, I give you the direct to video release, The Boneyard.

11:55 AM -- This movie was produced by Backbone productions. Haha. Backbone.

11:56 AM -- Oh shit. Phyllis Diller is in this playing someone named……...Miss Poopinplatz….? WTF am I getting myself into?

11:57 AM -- Is this a silent picture? Two men have pulled up in front of a dilapidated house, but no one's talking. They are just furiously miming at each other.

11:58 AM -- Oh, nope. I guess they were just trying to be quiet? They’re from homicide and checking on a lady. I don’t think they’re allowed to just open the door and enter like this.

12:00 PM -- The young cop has a lucky rabbit's foot on a keychain.

12:01 PM -- Oh. The rabbits foot also doubles as a lighter. THAT'S not going to be important later, I'm sure. 

12:02 PM -- I wish I had a lighter rabbits foot. It's practical and lucky.

12:02 PM -- A mound of clothes just attacked Rabbit Food PD. I guess the rabbits food wasn’t so lucky for him…..or the rabbit.

12:03 PM -- The mound is a large woman and she’s not happy that the cops entered without asking, either. She’s an English teacher, but quit recently.

12:04 PM -- If things went differently, I could have currently been an English teacher. As it is, my English Literature with an emphasis in American Literature degree is being wasted.

12:06 PM -- Have you ever just pulled up the Plot Keywords on IMDb for a laugh?

12:06 PM -- So there’s a mortician who’s been keeping babies locked up and he was feeding them the remains of his, er, clientele. He has some “ghouls” locked up. These were lines just stated by Old Cop. And he was serious. Didn't even crack a smile.

12:08 PM -- Why they want an English teacher is beyond...oh, she’s a psychic of some sorts.

12:09 PM -- So far this is pretty grim for a movie that features Golden Globe nominee and groundbreaking stand-up comic Phyllis Diller as someone named Miss Poopinplatz.

12:10 PM -- Lady Psychic is having some sort of dream/psychic experience and there’s an animatronic baby ghoul walking towards her.

12:10 PM -- The music in this is incredibly over-the-top. I dig it.

12:12 PM -- Aww, baby ghoul just wanted a hug. I’ll give you a hug, baby ghoul.  

12:13 PM -- Lady Psychic has some PTSD for helping on earlier cases. Will this actually be a good movie, with real stakes?

12:16 PM -- “Fresh meat? He’d have an endless supply of protein.” Is a remark the psychic just made about the mortician, who is kind of a casually racist Asian portrayal.

12:19 PM -- Two homicide detectives and a pyschic walk into a coroners office sounds like the setup to a very bad joke. 

12:19 PM -- It’s a Thanksgiving set horror movie! Will this join the ranks of Blood Rage as a great Thanksgiving horror film?

12:19 PM -- “Just give us that tag, Miss Poopinplatz.” It’s Phyllis Diller! And her poodle.

12:20 PM -- The dog’s name is….Floosums?  Oh. According to IMDb, it’s Floofsoms.

12:24 PM -- Oof. They’re making jokes about dead children. Don’t tell Disney.

12:24 PM -- Yes. I'm still sore about them firing James Gunn.

12:25 PM -- I know it’s the 90s and this type of racism was rampant, but can we please stop calling Asian people “Orientals?”

12:27 PM -- Lady Psychic was played by Deborah Rose. This was her last role. Whatever happened to her, I wonder? She has ten roles, mostly one offs in TV. I like her.

12:30 PM -- Poopinplatz has attitude.

12:31 PM -- Phyllis Diller once played a Batman character named Scrubwoman.

12:34 PM -- I don’t think it’s within regulations to snip a chunk of hair from a dead child and give it to a local psychic. But here we are.

12:34 PM -- Oh. Chinese mysticism is what’s causing the zombies. Man, we’re really diving deep in this exotic Asian racism thing, aren’t we.

12:37 PM -- 47 minutes in and the dead are starting to come to life. Finally.  

12:37 PM -- RUN PSYCHIC LADY! SAVE THE POLICE!

12:40 PM -- “FLOOFSOMS! SICK’EM!” I never thought I’d hear that. Nor would I expect to see a poodle attack dog.

12:41 PM -- Phyllis Diller and a poodle with a pink bow are chasing the overweight Lady Psychic down the hall. And I’m laughing hysterically. This is life. I intentionally signed up for this.

12:41 PM -- As an aside, speaking as a fat dude, I’m happy to see an overweight main character. Deborah Rose, whatever happened to you, just know, I think you’re a star.

12:42 PM -- I’m trying to figure out how I knew about this film. I’m guessing I heard the peeps on Shock Waves talking about it. But I can’t honestly remember.

12:43 PM -- Shit just got gooey. Zombie kids are eating organs and intestines. This might have just become my favorite movie.

12:44 PM -- Zombie children have replaced poodle in chasing the poor psychic. They’re running in the ceilings, Aliens style!

12:46 PM -- I’m not sure whether to be impressed with the zombie skinsuits or vaguely uncomfortable at their racist designs.

12:47 PM -- The 90s, man. Some things just haven’t aged well.

12:48 PM -- Phyllis Diller might have joined Louise Lasser in the dubious honor of being in Over-the-Top-TV-Actress-in-a-Horror-Movie-Club.

12:51 PM -- Yeah. We've moved from "vaguely uncomfortable" to racist little zombie babies.

12:54 PM -- OH NO! FLOOFSOMS!

12:56 PM -- Poopinplatz just had a chunk of gooey zombie flesh pushed into her mouth. I think...I think she may be gargling the goo?

12:57 PM -- That’s not something I ever thought I’d type about Phyllis Diller.

12:58 PM -- I must have looked down while typing because Rabbits Foot PD guy has a homemade Gatling gun of some sort? I’m not sure where he got it, or where he was storing it.

12:58 PM -- Is that a Gatling gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see….oh. It is a gun. Fine. I wasn't interested, anyway.

1:00 PM -- Okay, one piece I failed to mention. There is a girl here who was on the autopsy table and they were about to slice her neck when she sat up screaming. The only rationale provided for why they thought she was dead was when she said that she tried to kill herself. But I’m pretty sure the only reason she's here is to be Rabbit Foot PD’s love interest. So. Yeah. I got nothing.

1:02 PM -- I am both out of coffee and needing to pee. So

INTERMISSION

1:15 PM -- Ah, that’s much better. We’re back with Suicide Girl and Rabbit Foot PD, flirting in an elevator shaft.

1:17 PM -- Yes, I drank 34 ounces of coffee in an hour. Yes, I just made 34 more ounces.

1:18 PM -- Who died and made you Jesus, Ms. Judgyface?

1:18 PM -- Really, if you do the math, it’s only about .57 ounces a minute. That’s nothing.

1:19 PM -- Poopinplatz is still throwing up goo in a sink.

1:20 PM -- I just want to take a moment and say I’m not making light of suicide. I literally do not know the character’s name. Truthfully, they’re handling her story with a bit more finesse than I’d expect a movie of this, er, caliber. Which is nice.

1:20 PM -- In fact, all of the characterizations are handled with subtly and tact. Which, considering this was dumped on video, is both surprising and awesome.

1:21 PM -- But seriously. Other than Poopinplatz and Chen, I literally do not know any of the character’s names. There has to be a happy medium between All is Lost and Rick and Morty, in terms of characters saying each others' names.

1:23 PM -- OH

1:23 PM -- MY

1:23 PM -- FUCKING

1:23 PM -- GOD!

1:24 PM -- POOPINPLATZ IS AN ANIMATRONIC ZOMBIE AND I’M IN LOVE.

1:24 PM -- BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

1:26 PM -- FLOOFSOMS! BAD DOG! DON’T EAT ZOMBIE GOO.

1:26 PM -- Oh. So the Old Cop is named Jersey. We are 1 hour and 17 minutes in and I’m just now figuring out his name.

1:28 PM -- I’m actually really impressed with the animatronics in this movie.

1:30 PM -- HEEEEERRREEE’S FLOOFSOMS!

1:30 PM -- Upon seeing Zombie Floofsoms, Suicide Girl laughed. Same, hunty. Same.

1:31 PM -- Floofsoms still has her pink bow. I’m so happy. Whatever made her grow into super zombie also supersized her bow. Cuz she’s what? That’s right, fancy.

1:33 PM -- Floofsoms is serving up Fluffy Eleganza Extravaganza. Yas, gawd.

1:36 PM -- I love that the defacto hero of this movie is an overweight former English major. There’s hope for me, yet.

1:36 PM -- Seriously, she is MacGyvering the SHIT out of this movie. Stand aside, Ellen Ripley. There’s a new inclusive feminist hero in town.

1:37 PM -- “FETCH THIS!”

1:37 PM -- Best. Final. Line. Ever.

1:37 PM -- Actually, no. They really missed an opportunity here. It should have been, “Fetch this, bitch!” It works on multiple layers.

1:38 PM -- Line degraded.

1:38 PM -- Checkov’s Rabbit Foot saved the day.

1:39 PM -- Credits roll, while “Brave Heart” performed by Rick Riso plays.

1:43 PM -- As an aside, Shazam would not pick that up. I had to wait for it to show up in the credits.

1:44 PM -- And so here we are, good readers. At the end of The Boneyard. I laughed. I winced. I cheered. But at the end of the day we learned that the real villain here, as in life, is racism.