Thoughts I had while watching... ThanksKilling
There comes a time in every gay's life when a coworker will lend him ThanksKilling to watch over Thanksgiving break. She'll tell him it's ridiculous and funny. She'll say she watches it every year. She'll tell you it's one of those so bad it's good movies.
And then his mutuals on Twitter will echo the sentiments. That it’s terrible, sure, but that that is where the fun comes in.
And when this moment happens, in this hypothetical gay’s life, please. For the love of glob. Smack it out of his hand.
8:43 PM -- the disk is in my PlayStation. The DVD menu screen tells me, “Warning!! Tits in the first second” Will it be true? Will this be good? Will this be bad? Will this drive me insane? All this and more will be answered in the next...66 minutes?
8:44 PM -- And we’re off.
8:44 PM -- The movie opens with a opening set of text, establishing we’re in the Pilgrim days. So technically, the first second doesn’t have boo--oh there they are.
8:45 PM -- Why is this pilgrim topless? Is this the dark history we’ve expunged from our collective minds? Were the Puritans actually sex-maniacs?
8:45 PM -- One minute in and I’m already questioning the plot. This doesn’t bode well.
8:46 PM -- “Nice tits bitch.” Oh. The turkey talks. That’s nice.
8:46 PM -- One of these actors is named General Bastard? Is. Is that for real?
8:47 PM -- Oh. It is. IMDb official. Which is like Facebook official, only somehow sadder.
8:47 PM -- We’re now in some indeterminate period called modern day. At a school. An overweight Hick Dude just pulled his shirt off, so now we’ve been given both male and female tits. Equal opportunity, I guess.
8:48 PM -- “Pull your shirt down, honey! It's Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving!” Oh, it’s going to be that kind of movie. How many puns, breast or otherwise, are we gonna get here?
8:49 PM -- Hick Dude’s friend is a Nerd and right now, The Jock is showing off his guns and The nerd is feeling on the jock’s biceps. They do look nice.
8:50 PM -- I don’t believe I’ve ever been as excited about Thanksgiving Break as these folk.
8:53 PM -- I got nothing.
8:54 PM -- So a dog peeing on a totem summoned back the Turkey Monster. Which is kind of like how Freddy got resurrected in Dream Masters, only somehow grosser.
8:55 PM -- After the Sheriff complains that the coffee tastes like shit, we’re shown that, yes, in fact, there are turds in the coffee. A lady has shat in the coffee pot. Make this a little grungier and it could be a Rob Zombie movie.
8:58 PM -- Serious for a moment. Not cool with the gay slurs. Like c’mon filmmakers. Can we not be so lazy with our insults?
9:01 PM -- Everyone wants to fuck the jock, I’m pretty sure.
9:02 PM -- “I’ll get you Turkey, if it’s the last thing I do,” was a line that was just uttered.
9:05 PM -- My laptop turned off due to inactivity. I literally don’t know what to say about this so far.
9:10 PM -- omg. The turkey is hitchhiking and the driver wants to fuck him. WTF am I watching.
9:10 PM -- Psh. Like a turkey could reach the pedals of a car.
9:10 PM -- Apparently I demand logic from my murderous turkey movies.
9:14 PM -- I’d rather be watching Blood Rage right now.
9:16 PM -- Instead, I’m watching a movie where a girl is being sexually assaulted by a turkey who, after finishing says, “You just got stuffed.” I’d be offended if I weren’t bored.
9:17 PM -- The Dumb Group found an extra small, gravy-flavored condom. How did a turkey get a gravy flavored condom. Where was he keeping this? Is there even such thing.
9:19 PM -- I just googled it. There’s not. But Urban Dictionary mentions this movie and the condom. So there’s that.
9:20 PM -- My google ads are gonna be so weird, y’all.
9:20 PM -- Ok, so this is actually kind of funny. The turkey is wearing a pair of those joke glasses with a nose. He’s sitting at a table with one of the girl’s father. He’s wearing a turkey outfit. They are having coffee together. I literally just laughed for the first time.
9:20 PM -- This whole scene with the turkey and the girl’s dad is just kind of funny. Like the conversation is actually kind of clever and awkward. It’s like the Turkey is waiting for a date to come home and that awkwardness that just ensues.
9:21 PM -- The turkey killed the man wearing the turkey suit and is now wearing his face. The man’s daughter thinks its her father, not a turkey. “Oh dad you and your rapidly fading memory.”
9:23 PM -- I’m 39 minutes into this and I don’t know if I can make it any further.
9:24 PM -- How is there still 27 minutes left?
9:29 PM -- Guys. Did you know that life is not like a playbook? Because The Jock is having an identity crisis.
9:32 PM -- Ah there’s the line. Gobble gobble motherfucker.
9:33 PM -- I’ve been told that this was one of those “so bad it’s good” movies. I think those people lied. I think there was a vast conspiracy on Twitter just to get me to watch this movie. Everyone knew what I was getting into. And instead of warning me like pals, they all just told me I’m going to laugh at this. Who’s laughing now?
9:33 PM -- Hint: It’s not me.
9:33 PM -- Oh. Now there’s a song. A song about friendship. Aww this is nice.
9:34 PM -- I’m not cut out for B grade movies.
9:35 PM -- The turkey is tossing a salad. This isn’t a euphemism.
9:41 PM -- They are watching Night of the Living Dead, the movie anyone who doesn’t want to pay royalties watch.
9:42 PM -- Mandy felt shorter than this.
9:42 PM -- Magnolia felt shorter than this.
9:43 PM -- Suspiria sure as hell felt shorter than this.
9:43 PM -- Have I fallen into a black hole where time has no meaning? What is time? Can I even remember a period before ThanksKilling? Did life exist? Is this all there is, was and ever will be?
9:44 PM -- I can’t believe this is only 66 minutes and feel so long.
9:45 PM -- I am not drunk enough for this.
9:46 PM -- The Nerd sadly never got laid in this movie. I was really pulling for him and The Jock. But alas, the Turkey is now pecking out The Nerd’s heart.
9:46 PM -- I wish a turkey would peck my heart out right now.
9:47 PM -- We have our final girl.
9:47 PM -- “Peck on someone your own size.”
9:49 PM -- “Do I smell sequel...beeyatch.”
9:49 PM -- And scene.
9:49 PM -- Wait. The credits say there were additional writers on this. There are five writers on this project, three of which contributed “additional dialogue.” How is this possible? It’s 66 minutes long!
9:49 PM -- Can we just go back to this scene here. Can this just be the entire movie?
9:49 PM -- I have the sequel here. But it is over 90 minutes long. How the fuck can they extend this to 90 minutes? There’s no way in hell I’m watching this. There’s just no way.
9:50 PM -- I'm not adding this to my Letterboxd. We're just gonna pretend I've never watched this. This will be our little secret.